800 days of love

hello again blog. sorry for abandoning you. hee! i thought of not continuing writing here and just focus on maintaining my other blog (which is not going so well too). most of my titles in this blog are somehow with numbers in it, that is why i just feel the urge to write here. today i have been married for 800 days. haha! i have no idea why the ticker does not change automatically to years and weeks but, yeah, 800 days.

in 800 days, we have seen the best and the worst of each other (so far). i think i am way more patient especially with kids (gila tak nak sabar dengan anak sendiri kan). that is major for me. last weekend, a cousin of mine, iqa, asked me 'how do you manage to keep her alive?' she said something else but that was how i heard, hee. her facts are - 1. i don't have any younger siblings, 2. mummy is not around anymore to help me, 3. we don't have young cousins to practice on when we were growing up and 4. i do not like kids. my answer was, i have him (pointing towards the husby, my bambi). i can't imagine doing this with anyone else. for the record, i do like kids now, i want more of them. about him? i can see that he is more patient with the wife. haha. that is major for him (in my opinion). less fighting on petty things, less pulling faces and no more taking the pillow elsewhere to sulk. yeay!

one of my favourite shots 800 days ago - credit to uncle ram

86 days later

oh yes. it has been that long since my last post and had a baby. well, things are (errr...) different. don't get me wrong, it is different in a good, great way. i am doing well. baby's doing better than me (dia ambil semua nutrient dari mummy dia), hee! 75 days in total i was on leave. starting work again is not an easy thing to do, it's tough. first, the thought of leaving Zahraa with a stranger then come the malas part. whatever it is, dah masuk kerja dah anyway.

i really did gave birth on the date of my last post. the pain was in fact the starting point of a very long delivery process. my gosh! contractions are not fun in any way. it was a bit excited in the beginning but, after a while, you want it to end as soon as possible. my contractions started at 5 am but it was really mild. started to take note of the timing and yeah, the gap was starting to get closer. i was quiet as a mouse and didn't wake the husband at all (takut okay!). i acted normal when he woke up and only told him when he is all dressed up. hee! my guess was correct, he somehow panicked then, off we go to the hospital.

anyway, my contractions started from 5 am and lasted until 10 pm. that is 17 hours in total! during that 17 hours, especially the last 5 hours was unbearable. i cried, shouted, got mad for no apparent reason and just felt weak. at 9.30 pm, i opted for epidural. when the procedure was done by 10 pm, air ketumban broke and it was green so, i was prep for an emergency surgery pula. only Allah knows how i felt at that moment, i think i died inside for a while. since i can still feel my legs and all, i opted for general anesthetic (GA) - which is the last choice for most people. in the end, i felt it all expect the baby coming out from way down there. the husband was very supportive all the way in every way - force fed me food, offered me chocolates, countless hugs, back rubs, toilet trips, tahan bila kena marah tak tentu pasal etc) - thank you Allah.

would i go through all this again? yes! (but, lets take it slow, 2 years maybe? not too soon ya darling). i don't think he wants to be in that situation again (the tantrum part and the fasting part) so soon. haha. oh, to sum it up about the pain - it has been taken to a whole new level but it was worth it. every single moment of it.

the day Zahraa was born and the first few days

week 40

so, i made it to week 40 on 27th May 2013 (the due date!). alhamdulillah. for the unforgettable 40 weeks peanut. hee! had a lunch date yesterday with the husband. celebrating week 40 and me being so strong carrying his child (okay, ini macam drama sikit).

writing this early in the morning as i was up from 5 am. the process is starting i guess. the pain is there and counting my contractions now. trying to do so many things to distract myself, including this. appointment with the Dr is at 8 am. i shall prevail. pray for me.

maybe tonight?

waiting is the most hardest part. i don't really stand pain very well and waiting for it is crucial. the nurse where insyaAllah i'll be giving birth at told me to be prepared mentally. most soon-to-be parents can't wait to push the baby out but for me, please let the baby stay as long as it can in the womb. the pain will come eventually, i know. do pray for me. penakut nie! those who know me best sure know how i am with pain. migrane pun dah nangis, inikan pula sakit beranak. oh! please pray for me. kalau salah dan silap tolong maafkan. halalkan makan, minum, kata-kata, terambil barang ke, semua-semua. semoga semua dipermudahkan. 

cravings

these are some of my cravings throughout the 39 weeks, not all of them but some (the more crucial ones). there are 4 more that needs to be checked off. sempat ke sebelum beranak? haha! we shall try this few days as due is on MONDAY! counting down actually began yesterday when contractions started, just mild ones as appeared on the CTG scan. oh! one more thing, since mengandung ni, suka betul makan ikan keli goreng and paru goreng sambal. dulu tengok dari jauh je, tak lalu pun nak makan. sekarang bukan main lagi tapi kena jaga-jaga lah tak terlebih makan. huu!

photo source: google

1 - ubi kayu and sambal ikan bilis, 2 - sambal ikan bilis, tempe and kacang (thank you aunty emma for making batches of this - my necessity for the first 3 months), 3 - laksa johor and other raya food (hee!), 4 - nasi kandar, 5 - laksam, 6 - nasi kerabu (the best is in Molek), 7 - nasi briyani kambing, 8 - chicken poh teh (ayah cooked this according to grandma's recipe - yumm!), 9 - roasted hainan chicken rice from the shop in jalan klang lama, 10 - IKEA meatballs, 11 - yam basket, 12 - pengat pisang (i want mum's, huu!), 13 - macadamia nut famous amos cookies, 14 - nachos, 15 - A&W waffle with ice cream, 16 - raspberry cheesecake from secret recipe, 17- spicy chicken mcdeluxe, 18 - horlicks crunch mcflurry, 19 - molten chocolate cake, 20 - fish and chips from fish & co.

day 333 / 0.5 of week 39

random triple number - that is the number of days we are married. i am currently half way through of week 39. alhamdulillah. trying to keep the baby in up till June. baby's nursery is finally completed about one week back. colours to be revealed later! 

i went to see mum just now. there are so many things that i wish i could talk to her about. if only i could. the flowers remind me of mum when she was around. she just love striking colours especially red and purple. i miss her, a lot. al-fatihah.

baby's stuff

next week marks week 39 of my pregnancy. barang-barang kena lah dah siap. tunggu masa je ni. so, here are some of the stuff yang di beli dan di beri.

1 - the first few stuff bought at our first baby expo, 2 & 3 -  shopping spree in mid valley and second baby expo, 4 - third baby expo in shah alam stadium, 5 - gift from aunty jumi (thank you jumi!), 6 - stuff from mothercare, 7- bumper set & quilt cover pillowcase from IKEA, 8 - stuff from babyland SS2, 9 & 10 - shopping spree with aunty syima (thank you syima for all that!), 11- fourth baby expo with tok ma and tok kilah and tok ma bought all that for peanut (thank you aunty emma!)

ada lagi - more stuff from mothercare (baby's clothes, nursing bras etc.), baby cot and fitted sheets from IKEA, car seat (syima pinjamkan), baby bag (from aunty emma), bedding set and fitted sheets (from aunty emma). hee!

perasan tak takda teddy bear dalam all the photos? bukan tak nak ke apa cuma, dah ada dah. kalau boleh tak nak lah banyak-banyak. tak tau nak letak mana. takat ni ada dua yang betul-betul favourite. it was mine when i was small - goofy and my teddy!

mother's day

yesterday was mother's day. i am not technically a mother yet but still consider myself as one. haha. perasan! tak kisah lah, asalkan makan sedap! it was a last minute plan but we made it. lucky for us, there was an open spot during the time we arrived as the restaurant was fully booked. i was so hungry at that moment that i forgot to take photos of the food. boo!

look at my huge tummy! oh.. there's one photo - the dessert :)

hohoho.. its week 36

week 36 starts with a surprise, a good and scary one at that. while i was driving to work this morning, a sudden shot of pain struck me, the whole tummy. i panicked for a bit and cried as it was so painful. i had to push on the breaks a lot, nearly hit a car while doing that. the pain comes and goes with 5, 6 minutes interval. in my heart, i was like, 'this can't be happening, i am not giving birth today, no i am not'. managed to reach the office and the pain does not stop. then, mr. google  came to the rescue. i searched for contraction signs and found 2 useful links: (1) Braxton Hicks or True Labor? and (2) Pregnancy and Signs of Labor. it was a false alarm! phewww. dah lah barang-barang peanut baru nak start cuci pagi ni. 

from week 32 up to now, i still drive to work and drive to some of my check ups. i still do house chores and still care for the cats. after this morning, maybe it is time for me to slow down? can you imagine if it was true labor just now? with a panicked state of mind, i don't think i can ever reach the hospital and it is not because i can't stand the pain, it is because i might forget the way!

(lama tak letak gambar sendiri)

anxious

as the day gets nearer, i am getting more and more anxious. i am not sure how to handle it. Takut sangat. Orang patut happy lah kan, nak dapat anak - ini takut pulak. maybe i feel i don't have enough support or maybe i just feel like i am not ready. oh! otak, jangan lah fikir sangat. at this stage, a pregnant lady sure needs a lot of encouragement instead of being stuck in the middle of things. terasa banyak sangat tak habis buat lagi. dapat pula laki yang kerja shift tak menentu dan agak berat nak buat benda time cuti. huu! i feel like hiring someone to clean the whole house and rearrange things the way i want it to be. boleh?  

some stuff

this is some of the wanted items yet to be bought. this week's mission is to get all of these and have my mind at peace. need to get all items checked as soon as possible. i am not really very flexible now. heh!

dear god

i need mum. i need her so bad. dugaan paling besar yang Engkau turunkan on Earth for me is when you took mummy away. things are getting tougher and i am getting weaker by day. i rely on her so much that when she's gone, i feel lost. i know i have You but i still want mummy around. is this Your way to toughen me up in life?

i need someone who understands me, lagi-lagi at moments like this. to think about it, how lovely it would be to have her during the planning of the wedding, the solemnization moment and the reception itself. it would be a joyous moment to tell her i am pregnant when i found out back then and it would be  perfect to have someone i can confide to in everything since the beginning. i had to pick up pieces on my own and its tough but, i had YOU. its easier to talk to you rather than another human being. nak nangis ke, ape ke, tak kena marah.

my sis-in-law told me couple of days back that she is pregnant and i am so happy for her. glad that she has the support she needs from her mum and husband. i'll help in any way that i can too. to stand alone during the first 3 months is just awful. the news brought back memories how i had to suck it up during my moment - no one was actually there for me and i did not open up to anybody including the husband (that was my mistake). i suffered physically and emotionally but i had to stay strong so that i won't be a burden to anyone. i lied most of the time - i did not take breakfast, lunch and dinner (tapi bagitau orang dah makan - now nasihat orang jangan buat macam tu), i lost weight (tapi bagitau orang just nampak je kurus sikit sebab penat kut - managed to stabilize it by drinking lots of water), i felt like dying with all the vomiting going on (tapi bagitau orang tak muntah sangat pun, sikit-sikit je - force myself to drink water to stay hydrated), mum passed away (told everyone i have to be strong for peanut - but i wished life was taken away itself, told myself, i am not going to be a good mum) and i cried most nights (ini sampai sekarang - tapi bila husband takde lah, nanti dia kata kita ni mengada lah, drama lah, sikit-sikit nangis lah - kalau lah dia boleh rasa what i was feeling). maybe dengan cara ni, Allah ajar untuk jadi lebih independent and kuat? entah, yang pasti everything itu ade hikmah and alasan tersendiri dari Allah.

now, i am at 30 weeks and i have 10 weeks left. insyaAllah. hope baby will be born on 7th June. i just love that no. i still don't know what is the plan like. i am excited, scared and confuse all at the same time. i don't know where i am giving birth and what's the plan after (confinement, baby care etc). i am left hanging to sort this on my own. its not easy to talk to someone who is temperamental. this is exactly why i need mummy.

daddy's first kick

finally, daddy got to feel his first kick last 12th February. it took a while but he finally felt it. it was quite a touchy moment there. cried for a bit. peanut finally said hello to daddy. then, a week back, on 10th March, he got to feel the movements going on inside. peanut was moving around (macam swimming pun ada). he freaked out a bit. haha. tell me about it, its moving inside me. i can't stop laughing to his reaction. it was really kuat. sampai kena paksa berhenti gelak pasal dia nak rasa betul-betul. 

meet peanut

thought of updating about something else but, just can't wait for this. ehee! well, meet my dearest peanut! alhamdulillah everything is fine and peanut is healthy. i have put on a lot of weight so far. A LOT, A LOT! pengsan lah nak kurus balik nanti. jalan pun dah rasa macam giant. mujur lah hashrul kata lawa bila tanya, tak nampak macam orang pregnant pun, muka tak kembang ke ape. hehe. yeah, even though i gained a lot of weight, i don't really grow overall except my tummy. reason being - baby kena makan. haha.

assalamualaikum everybody

help - laundry

okay, ini luahan hati. sometimes i just wish that someone tolong me with the laundry without me asking (to be fair, ayah does help out occasionally). orang lain tu kut, i can't be asking for help every time right. nanti cakap demanding pulak. i just need some help sometimes. at times i wish that i live alone so, when things are not done, i know its me and what i must do. ini tak, duduk bermasyarakat tapi semua nak kena ingatkan dan nak kena sebut baru nak buat. trust me, at a certain point, it gets really tiring! today's topic, laundry - (i) nak kena mintak bawakan turun, dah bawa turun bukan nak tolong basuhkan, letak je (salah ke nak tolong masukkan dalam mesin dan basuh? ke susah?), (ii) dah cuci, kalau tak mintak jemur, tak jemur lah, mintak pun kadang-kadang tak jemur, (iii) dah kering, nak tanggalkan dari tempat gantung and bawa naik atas pun susah, (iv) dah bawak naik atas, tolong lipat sama-sama pun tak boleh (kalau minta tolong sikit, nanti keluar ayat - 'dah, lepas ni tak payah cuci dah baju i lagi, biar i buat sendiri so, nak minta tolong pun kena fikir sejuta kali) - itu mintak tolong lipat SAMA-SAMA bukan suruh buat semua-semua sendiri lagi *breath in breath out* i need help! 

let's start kicking!

hee! peanut is super active. entah, dia dalam perut macam thinking, 'let's kick mummy kuat-kuat! it should be fun!' (especially at night). pengsan lah mummy. tidur pun tak betul dah ni. when i don't sleep right, i am not right during my waking hours as well. i tend to be a little cuckoo then. oh! hashrul selalu catch me laughing alone lately and he'll be like, 'eh! kenapa u ni?'. i'll be like, 'the baby's kicking hard' and the moment he wants to feel it, peanut stops moving. peanut tak mau kawan daddy ke? its amazing when a life is growing inside you. you start thinking of life in a whole different view - different expectations, different goals, different vision. i am so excited about peanut and yet, scared at the same time. lets do this, this is our journey! - we have 15 weeks and 4 days to go (according to this app - Pregly).

other then that, i should be fine. the body is changing, oooooohh! discover new things about the body and the things you can do - i am both amazed and surprised. there are a lot of things that i cannot do though - no eating this, no eating that, no heavy lifting, no climbing to reach high things, no washing the toilet (i don't mind this! sampai bila-bila pun i am okay), no playing with the cats too much, no cleaning up after the cats, no driving (sometimes), no jumping around, no running up and down the stairs, no walking up and down the stairs without the lights on. hee! 

dearest micro

hard day today. someone who knows me close enough would know that my cats mean the world to me and it will take time for me to recover from the lost. today, i lost my baby girl. the youngest in the family. she was not in for breakfast this morning. so, after ayah sent me to office he went looking for her and found her in the drain. she was still alive but barely making it. its sad to lose someone you love. she has been with us since 2010, she was my whiskas advertisement cat - the one when you shake the food the cat comes running. that was how it started. it was a battle with mum (and dad) to keep her but she eventually melted mummy's heart and was brought to subang when we moved. she is something i share closely with mummy. i just lost mummy last month and now her. maybe she's with mum. wauallahualam. i'll miss her a lot and will definitely feel the lost.

rest in peace baby girl

2010 - 2013

guessing game

the guessing game starts! since the last scan, we have been guessing the gender of the baby. kalau nak ikut my instinct : baby boy. daddy wants peanut to be a boy and both of us had a dream that peanut is a girl (mainan tidur ni). meanwhile, in the office: (1) johleen googled signs to know whether a mum-to-be is having a boy or a girl (as she is also expecting) and she was like... 'oh... you are having a boy' and (2) kak aneem did this 'traditional' way of guessing by viewing me back view and side view and said, this will be a boy. hee! well, let's see in a month or so.  

been googling lately for baby room ideas and found 2 that i like most. each for each gender. tried looking around for more ideas after i found these photos but just can't get these out of my mind. i don't think i'll get the room exactly as the photo but i shall use these as my inspiration. right? peanut's room is already blue regardless of the gender. so, we must think of the suitable things to fill it in with. 

seven months

nah, not the baby - been married for seven months. the husband was on leave today. so, he picked me up from work and off we go to satisfy my craving. lucky for him, i don't really crave for funny or hard to find stuff. its just the normal everyday food that i don't really go for. maybe i am a picky eater so, the cravings are not that extreme. for today, the craving that can be checked off the list is smoked duck nasi lemak. okay, it was delicious and worth the jam. 

beginning of week 22

what a great way to start the week. 20th January was the first day of week 22 and was the first time i felt the baby's kick while holding the tummy. alhamdulillah. i cried a bit (terkejut + terharu + suka). hashrul was not that lucky. hee! obviously, this is mummy's little one. the gender is yet to be confirmed. the last time we scanned - on the 15th January, the baby crossed its legs tight, exactly like i was while lying down when the dr was scanning. daddy said, 'baby ni silang panggung pulak!', next time i have to remind myself not to cross my legs. huu! then, dah excited, lupa nak ambil the ultrasound picture. boo! anyway, the dr did say the baby might be a girl, she just can't confirm yet.

since the gender is still not confirmed by the dr, been thinking of a nickname to give. i wanted to call peaches but if its a boy, peaches does not sound right, does it? so, maybe i should call mummy's little peanut. eh? mari kita try. peanut has been really active since the last week of 2012. i can feel movements and some very gentle kicks (its like someone is poking you gently from the inside). i can't wait for more progress to come! come on peanut. daddy wants to feel you too.

hungry mummy - 220113