dear god

i need mum. i need her so bad. dugaan paling besar yang Engkau turunkan on Earth for me is when you took mummy away. things are getting tougher and i am getting weaker by day. i rely on her so much that when she's gone, i feel lost. i know i have You but i still want mummy around. is this Your way to toughen me up in life?

i need someone who understands me, lagi-lagi at moments like this. to think about it, how lovely it would be to have her during the planning of the wedding, the solemnization moment and the reception itself. it would be a joyous moment to tell her i am pregnant when i found out back then and it would be  perfect to have someone i can confide to in everything since the beginning. i had to pick up pieces on my own and its tough but, i had YOU. its easier to talk to you rather than another human being. nak nangis ke, ape ke, tak kena marah.

my sis-in-law told me couple of days back that she is pregnant and i am so happy for her. glad that she has the support she needs from her mum and husband. i'll help in any way that i can too. to stand alone during the first 3 months is just awful. the news brought back memories how i had to suck it up during my moment - no one was actually there for me and i did not open up to anybody including the husband (that was my mistake). i suffered physically and emotionally but i had to stay strong so that i won't be a burden to anyone. i lied most of the time - i did not take breakfast, lunch and dinner (tapi bagitau orang dah makan - now nasihat orang jangan buat macam tu), i lost weight (tapi bagitau orang just nampak je kurus sikit sebab penat kut - managed to stabilize it by drinking lots of water), i felt like dying with all the vomiting going on (tapi bagitau orang tak muntah sangat pun, sikit-sikit je - force myself to drink water to stay hydrated), mum passed away (told everyone i have to be strong for peanut - but i wished life was taken away itself, told myself, i am not going to be a good mum) and i cried most nights (ini sampai sekarang - tapi bila husband takde lah, nanti dia kata kita ni mengada lah, drama lah, sikit-sikit nangis lah - kalau lah dia boleh rasa what i was feeling). maybe dengan cara ni, Allah ajar untuk jadi lebih independent and kuat? entah, yang pasti everything itu ade hikmah and alasan tersendiri dari Allah.

now, i am at 30 weeks and i have 10 weeks left. insyaAllah. hope baby will be born on 7th June. i just love that no. i still don't know what is the plan like. i am excited, scared and confuse all at the same time. i don't know where i am giving birth and what's the plan after (confinement, baby care etc). i am left hanging to sort this on my own. its not easy to talk to someone who is temperamental. this is exactly why i need mummy.